It had been six years since the last time I went home. It was a bittersweet homecoming since the sole purpose of it was to attend the funeral of my father--to pay him my last respect and to take a final glimpse of him. He was already battling with cancer for a couple of years and I knew that I did not have much time to spend with him so I booked a trip home in November of 2004 hoping that I could spend Christmas with him and the rest of my family. Being away from them for so long, I was ecstatic to see them again...to hug them, laugh with them and share special memories with them. I could not wait to play with my nieces and nephews and see how they've grown. I was counting the days until I could see everyone of them. Aside from the fact that my father was waiting for me to come home.
One cold early morning of October 2004, I saw a voicemail notification on my phone with a registered number from my sister. I just ended a graveyard shift at 6:00 o'clock that morning. I had the strangest feeling that the call was about my father and I was too scared to listen to the message. But I did. I could sense the trembling in my sister's voice as she relayed to me that our father has surrendered his battle with cancer. A part of me died as well when it sunk into me that I will never be able to talk to him again when I get back home. That I would not be able to feel his warm hug and share jokes with him. I could not fathom the thought that I would see him lifeless.I sat in my car for a few minutes enveloped in grief but no tears coming out of my eyes. I was coaxing myself that it was okay and that he was in a better place. I wanted to cry but I couldn't. I felt paralyzed--just numb. I mustered some strength and drove home. I found myself in tears as I laid in bed with no one to talk to. I've never felt so alone but a heartfelt prayer gave me peace and comfort. I was physically and emotionally exhausted when I finally drifted off to sleep.
I called my sister later that day and found out that 'Tatay' told his good friend that he might not make it before I get home. He was trying to hang on to his dear life so he could see me but his body was too weak and been wanting to take its final rest. Knowing that, 'Tatay' made me feel so special and loved. He had never been vocal about how he felt about his children but he had a way of showing his love for us. He may have weaknesses but he was always thoughtful in his own little ways. He would fight for his kids even if it meant jeopardizing himself in the process.
The next few days were spent arranging my flight to the Philippines, taking care of work stuff and packing. Those days were some of the craziest days I've ever had which hardly gave me a chance to wallow in grief. An outpouring of support and sympathy from friends helped me get through those seemingly endless days.
Finally the day of my flight came and as I was sitting at the airport, I remembered the last time I saw my father. It was at the airport...on my way to the States. He hardly talked to me that day. He was sitting on the curb with his face down. I kept glancing at him but he didn't even want to look at me. I eventually caught his eyes and in those deep-set brown almond eyes, I could see tears in the corner. There was sadness in them and I looked away for I know that I would start to cry. I thought he might be sad because he will miss me but maybe he was afraid that he would not see me again...or maybe he already knew he wouldn't. I wanted to hug him as I bade goodbye to them but unfortunately had to rush to the plane since I was the only passenger not yet on board. All I could do was wave at him.
My father and I had our share of disagreements and disputes but his silent ways of showing his love would definitely not be forgotten. My memories of him carrying me to bed when I was little , playing boardgames with his kids, taking us to amusement parks, giving us change so we could buy candy and so on and so forth would always stay with me. But one important role that I played in his life growing up which I will never, never forget was making him coffee in the morning before going to work and when he gets home from work. He would then have me grab his slippers and ask for a freshly washed face towel to refresh himself up. That was a usual scenario at home. At that time, I would murmur and even questioned why it had to be me all the time. But now, I am thankful that I have that memory of my father that is only mine and mine alone.
Remembering 'Tatay' still makes me cry and I know it always will. However, having the knowledge that families can be together for eternity gives me hope that I will see him again and I can be reunited with him. I know he is watching over me and is being my guardian angel. If there was one thing that I wished I did while he was still around, that would be to tell him how much I love him. But I could not do it anymore. All I could do is softly whisper "I love you, Tatay" in the air hoping that the wind will carry those words to him wherever he is at right now. 'Tatay' was the very first man in my life who first loved me and showed me unconditional love without expecting anything in return. I surely miss him...
"God presents us with priceless gifts of love, family, friends and other great things that give meaning to our existence. It is up to us to either treasure them, pawn them for a lesser value or trade them for nothing...you decide." ~Dinah~
I've just known about this today. My condolences to you Dins and to your family. I'm holding back my tears because it would be a shame if my office mates see me cry but the tears just welled down my cheeks and kept on pouring, I could not stop. It is really hard to lose a loved one though, thankfully, both my parents are still alive. It has been 10 years since the last time I saw my father and reading this made me miss him so much.
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