I love to laugh and make people laugh. I believe laughter is truly the best medicine. Everything seems bearable when are able to laugh about anything. Our disposition in life becomes positive as nothing seems to dampen our spirit. Reading jokes is one of my favorite pasttimes and so I came up with a compilation of the best jokes I have read.
McDonald's Job Application
This is an actual job application a 17 year old boy submitted at a McDonald's fast-food establishment in Florida...and they hired him because he was so honest and funny!
NAME: Greg Bulmash
SEX: Not yet. Still waiting for the right person.
DESIRED POSITION: Company's President or Vice President. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.
DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.
EDUCATION: Yes.
LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.
SALARY: Less than I'm worth.
MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.
REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.
HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.
PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.
DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.
MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?
DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?: Of what?
DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"
HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearing house Sweepstakes.
DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job no, on my breaks yes.
WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde super model who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.
DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: Yes. Absolutely.
SIGN HERE: Aries
*****************************
I was in the restaurant yesterday when I suddenly realized I desperately
needed to pass gas. The music was really, really loud, so I timed my
gas with the beat of the music.
After a couple of songs, I started to feel better. I finished my coffee,
and noticed that everybody was staring at me....
Then I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod.
****************************
Good Question
Bob couldn't believe it -- he'd made it to the last round of his favorite game show. "Congratulations, Bob," said the emcee. "Answer correctly and you go home with five million dollars!
"This is a two-part question on American history," he continued. "The second half of the question is always easier. Which part would you like first?"
Bob figured he'd play it safe. "I think I'll try the second part of the question first."
The emcee nodded approvingly, while the audience was silent with anticipation.
"Okay, Bob, here is your question: And in what year did it happen?"
****************************
Explosively Funny
Joe and Dave are hunting when Dave keels over. Frantic, Joe dials 911 on his cell phone and blurts, "My friend just dropped dead! What should I do?"
A soothing voice at the other end says, "Don't worry, I can help. First, let's make sure he's really dead."
After a brief silence, the operator hears a shot. Then Joe comes back to the phone. "Okay," he says nervously to the operator. "What do I do next?"
****************************
Say a Little Prayer
Squirrels had overrun three churches in town. After much prayer, the elders of the first church determined that the animals were predestined to be there. Who were they to interfere with God's will? they reasoned. Soon, the squirrels multiplied.
The elders of the second church, deciding that they could not harm any of God's creatures, humanely trapped the squirrels and set them free outside of town. Three days later, the squirrels were back.
It was only the third church that succeeded in keeping the pests away. The elders baptized the squirrels and registered them as members of the church. Now they only see them on Christmas and Easter.
****************************
Proudly showing off his new apartment to a friend late one night, the drunk led the way to the bedroom, where there was a big brass gong.
"What's that brass gong for?" asked the friend.
"It's not a gong. It's a talking clock," the drunk replied.
"A talking clock? How's it work?"
"Watch this," said the drunk. He took a hammer, gave the gong an ear-shattering pound and waited. Someone on the other side of the wall screamed: "Hey, you jerk. It's 3:00 in the morning!"
****************************
A doctor says to his patient, “I have bad news and worse news”.
“Oh dear, what's the bad news?” asks the patient.
The doctor replies, “You only have 24 hours to live.”
“That's terrible”, said the patient. “How can the news possibly be worse?”
The doctor replies, “I've been trying to contact you since yesterday.”
*****************************
Two guys are sitting on a bar stool. One starts to insult the other one. He screams, “I slept with your mother!” The bar gets quiet as everyone listens to see what the other weasel will do. The first again yells, “I SLEPT WITH YOUR MOTHER!”
The other says, “Go home dad you’re drunk.”
*****************************
A FILIPINO APPLICANT @ WAL-MART
*****************************
A FILIPINO APPLICANT @ WAL-MART
An office manager at Wal-Mart was given the task of hiring an
Individual to fill a job opening. After sorting through a stack
of resumes he found four people who were equally qualified --
an American, a Russian, an Australian and a Filipino.
He decided to call the four in and ask them only one question.
Their answers would determine who among them would get the job.
The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table the
interviewer asked, "What is the fastest that thing you know?"
Steve, the American, replied, "A THOUGHT. It comes without any
warning;
It just pops into your head. A thought is the fastest thing that I know.."
"That's very good!" replied the interviewer.
"And now you sir?" he asked Vladimir, the Russian.
"Hmm.... let me see. A blink! It comes and goes without you knowing
that it ever happens. A BLINK is the fastest thing I know."
"Excellent!" said the interviewer. "The blink of an eye, that's a very
popular clich?for speed."
He then turned to George, the Australian who was contemplating his
reply.
"Well, out at my dad's ranch, you step out of the house and on the wall
there's a light switch. When you flip that switch, the light in the barn
comes on way out across the pasture. Yep, TURNING ON A LIGHT is the
fastestthing I can think of."
The interviewer was very impressed with the third answer and thought
he had found his man. "It's hard to beat the speed of light," he said.
Turning to Eleuterio, the Filipino, the fourth and final man, the interviewer posed the same question.
Eleuterio replied, "Apter herring da 3 preybyus ansers sir, et's obyus
to me dat the fastest thing is Diarrhea."
"WHAT!?" said the interviewer, stunned by the response. The others
were already giggling in their seats...
"Oh, I can expleyn sir," said Eleuterio. "You see, sir, da ader day my
istumach was peeling bad and so I run so fast to the bathroom, but
bepore I could THINK, BLINK, or TURN ON THE LIGHT, sir, I had alreydi shet in my pants!"
Individual to fill a job opening. After sorting through a stack
of resumes he found four people who were equally qualified --
an American, a Russian, an Australian and a Filipino.
He decided to call the four in and ask them only one question.
Their answers would determine who among them would get the job.
The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table the
interviewer asked, "What is the fastest that thing you know?"
Steve, the American, replied, "A THOUGHT. It comes without any
warning;
It just pops into your head. A thought is the fastest thing that I know.."
"That's very good!" replied the interviewer.
"And now you sir?" he asked Vladimir, the Russian.
"Hmm.... let me see. A blink! It comes and goes without you knowing
that it ever happens. A BLINK is the fastest thing I know."
"Excellent!" said the interviewer. "The blink of an eye, that's a very
popular clich?for speed."
He then turned to George, the Australian who was contemplating his
reply.
"Well, out at my dad's ranch, you step out of the house and on the wall
there's a light switch. When you flip that switch, the light in the barn
comes on way out across the pasture. Yep, TURNING ON A LIGHT is the
fastestthing I can think of."
The interviewer was very impressed with the third answer and thought
he had found his man. "It's hard to beat the speed of light," he said.
Turning to Eleuterio, the Filipino, the fourth and final man, the interviewer posed the same question.
Eleuterio replied, "Apter herring da 3 preybyus ansers sir, et's obyus
to me dat the fastest thing is Diarrhea."
"WHAT!?" said the interviewer, stunned by the response. The others
were already giggling in their seats...
"Oh, I can expleyn sir," said Eleuterio. "You see, sir, da ader day my
istumach was peeling bad and so I run so fast to the bathroom, but
bepore I could THINK, BLINK, or TURN ON THE LIGHT, sir, I had alreydi shet in my pants!"
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