What Is "Too Late"?

"Too late"...words that are hard to swallow when you're only a day, a few minutes or a few seconds behind. Words that make you cringe when you're almost there but you didn't quite make it. When you ran out of time or you just never took a chance on accomplishing something. Words that make you wish you have a time machine so you can turn back the time and redo what has been done and what not. Or make you wish you have a rewind button to change things but all you could do is release the biggest sigh of disappointment.

Being too late is when you lost a loved one and you never had the chance or never had the courage to say "I love you" to that person.  It is when you ignored  symptoms of an ailment and when you eventually decided to see a doctor, your days are already numbered. It is when you laid your eyes on someone who sparked your interest but you never got up the courage to talk to him or her and all you did was admire that person from a distance. And when you finally had the courage to do so, he or she is already  in the arms of someone else. Unfortunately, only a few get second chances. Most people have to live with regret or remorse for a long while, if not, forever.

An inspiration to write about this subject came upon me after chatting with my sister who told me about the guys who admired me long ago but never got up the courage to tell me. I found it amusing that one guy who is already married still talks about me and would tell people that I was the one that he wanted to marry. We never had a relationship or anything but he did make me feel special. I remember him as a very nice and kind person...a God-fearing and responsible one.

I knew he had feelings for me but I never gave him a chance. And so when my sister asked me if I could turn back time, would I give him a chance, then? I was dumbfounded. Back then, there were other things occupying my mind. I was preparing for my return to the States and I never really had a chance to think about it. It made me wonder if I did give him a chance,  would I already have a family of my own if things worked out between us? Would my life be different if I set my dreams aside and took a chance? I will never know.

I used to be very apprehensive about disclosing my feelings to someone for fear of rejection or misconception but as I continued to be fearful about it, I got stuck. I was always left hanging...wondering. So I've learned to be more open about how I feel and prepare myself for the repercussions. I've been rejected but felt liberated. I felt better and life still went on. I was glad I took a chance though it caused me pain.

If there's one person right now whom I wish to have a conversation with regarding how I feel about her, it would be my mother. I am afraid that as time goes  by, I only have little of it left to settle things with her. For a long  time now, my relationship with her has been rough and I just want to pour my feelings out to her, to tell her how sorry I am for the things I've done and what she means to me. It doesn't matter anymore whose fault  it is or what caused the problem but what matters is the limited time in my hands to patch things up with her. I have long been broken and this would be the only way to fix my broken soul.   I never got to tell my father how I felt about him before leaving the earth and I don't want it to happen with my mother. I know I gotta do it soon so we could start afresh before it's too late....

"Time does not wait for those who keep waiting...it is the only thing that does not get old and does not die but we do."-Dinah-

Alone In A Crowd

Being alone is not a bad thing...or am I just trying to convince myself? No, it really is not a bad thing if it is not the usual case. It is always enjoyable being with friends and do stuff together but having alone moments can be a good time to get to know yourself better and know how to handle inadvertent situations by yourself.

The best time to build our character happens when we are able to do things alone, at least to me, that is pertinent. I strongly dislike doing things alone particularly if it involves dealing with others, being in a crowd or being the center of attention. I have no qualms about doing things if I didn't have to be around a lot of people.

I felt compelled to write this post after an experience I had a few nights ago when I went to the concert of Lady Antebellum all by myself. A few days before the concert, a friend of mine and I were talking about  seeing  it together. I found a discounted ticket online and I immediately contacted my friend to inform her that I would be buying a ticket the next day.  She asked me to buy her a ticket as well but I only found one. I advised her to look one up for herself or she could buy one directly from the ticket outlet. I never heard back from her. All this time, I was thinking she would buy one and was still planning on going.  The next day, I got my ticket and was looking forward to going to the concert. I still hadn't heard from my friend.

A couple of days later,  we saw each other.  She never mentioned anything about the concert until I asked her if she already got one and she didn't.  She then went on to tell me that she actually had to work that night and won't be able to go.  I was a bit irked that she didn't bother to tell me to think that it was just a couple of days prior to the concert night. Then, it dawned on me that I could be going to the concert all by myself and the idea scared me. I thought I would come across as a 'loser' without anybody to go with me.

I then questioned myself whether I should just sell the ticket or go by myself.  I made a decision  that I would still go even if it meant being alone at the concert. I would not let my friend's fickleness dampen my spirit and deprive myself of an opportunity to enjoy great music. What other people would think of me did not bother me anymore. I decided that I was going to have fun.

I was on my way to the concert when a friend called me up and wanted to come with me after seeing my status on Facebook about going to the concert alone. I got excited that she'd come with me but she still had to find a ticket.  I advised her that she could buy one at the box office and so we went only to find out that it was sold out. Oh well, I guess I was really meant to be alone that night.

So my friend went home and I went inside the venue.  The place was packed and the front act was already performing. I found myself a spot all the way in the back and didn't really have a good view of the stage. I looked up at the balcony and there seemed to be room up there. I went up the stairs and was surprised that there was a bar and a lot of people were drinking. I was even more astonished that the balcony was actually crowded and it just did not look it since the crowd consisted mostly of couples with arms wrapped around each other. I felt so out of place and hurriedly went back down the stairs. I just chuckled silently to myself.

I stayed where I was at from the start and felt so weird at first with no one to talk to. Finally, the front act was over and it even became weirder during the intermission with basically nothing going on but wait until the main performer come out. I just stood there and kept checking my phone to find something to do.  Luckily, a couple of my friends were 'texting' me so that kept me preoccupied for a bit.

At last, the members of the Lady Antebellum band came out and the crowd went wild. The energy of the crowd rubbed off on me and I even sang along as the band played their songs. I was actually enjoying myself but felt odd when a few people looked at me but I just shrugged it off. The 'loser' thought did not get to me.
I must admit though that the mellow love songs the band sang did get to me and wished I was with someone to share it with. They were pretty amazing and I would never regret watching the concert by myself.

It was pretty exhilarating to be able to do something like that alone. And looking back, I've come to realize that I had done things which were far more challenging and really tested my courage. The first time I came to the States was for one a big step for me.  It was like stepping into the unknown but it definitely increased my sense of well-being and built my character. The second time I came, to create a life of my own, was a big leap of faith that I took which molded me into what I am now.

I had done numerous and enormous things which I could not imagine I would have done otherwise if I was not willing to take that big leap of faith. Some experiences I went through were not easy and if I were weak, I would have already given up considering that I don't have family here but I am grateful to wonderful friends who have made me a part of theirs.

I know I would still have anxieties over doing things by myself  and the anticipation would still kill me but I believe it is just a matter of getting acquainted with myself more. I should know myself better and If I am more comfortable being with "myself", I will be alright.  Though I tremendously enjoy being with friends, I should keep in mind that my happiness should not depend on others. After all, I am the only one who is always there for me not to mention my closest ally who is always watching over me and that is Heavenly Father.

I am actually liking myself better and discovering other potential I possess sounds pretty exciting. I know the next time I have to do something alone would not be as hard as I perceive it to be. I just gotta do it!

Poetic Wednesday

A Grateful Heart
by: dinahmic

Father in Heaven
I thank Thee

For the gift of life that Thou hast accorded me

For its wondrous design that my eyes have yet to fully see

I thank Thee
For the gift of youth
With its playfulness and its defining state
Enabling me to relish the years of innocence

I thank Thee

For the gift of maturity

With all the experiences and memories it brings
Effectuating wisdom along my journey

I thank Thee
For the gift of love
With its heartaches and  tenderness
Encompassing life's true meaning

I thank Thee
For the gift of friendship
For kindred spirits that connected with my being
Partaking of my sorrows and joys

I thank Thee

For the gift of laughter

Which enlivens my heart
And invigorates my soul

I thank Thee
For the tears that cascade down my face
To wash away my misery
Ushering me into the realm of tranquility

I thank Thee
For the gift of music
Which speaks to me in my lonesome
Aligning me with my deepest emotions

I thank Thee
For Thy ultimate gift
The sacrifice of Thy beloved Son
Who took the whipping for me
With every drop of His blood embodying my sins

I thank Thee
For being my Heavenly Father
For guiding me as I travel this earth
Waiting for me to come home into Thy loving arms

May I be worthy of the blessings
Thou hast bestowed upon me
May I share them with all those around me
My endless thanks to Thee...